Things just got real.

Today was a good day at work.. Things were slow and having my lunches/snacks together made things so easy and I wasn't hungry at all today.. But today was also a day I wouldn't have cared to have worked a little longer.. Having a funeral to look forward to after work is never a happy ending to the day. Especially when it's some one who was so wonderful, truly an honor to know and be around. Standing in line with at least 30 people before me and 50 people behind me, waiting to hug the family members of someone dearly loved. Seeing my best friend comforting her brand new husband(said their vows at a surprise wedding just for them) after he has lost his mother when he is only 27 is such a sad sight. I think that's where the being easy with my mind is going to come into play.. This is something I will have to give completely to God. To me death is a weird thing... I do not fear my own death in any way, I only fear the death of the people around me. It's also something so humbling to remind me that God is in complete control. He has his way and his plan for me. This is also playing into being easy with my heart. Tonight after seeing such sadness and being swept with emotion for the people that are dear to me and that I love, I realize it's different when alone. I have never waited in a visitation line or for a funeral alone. Tonight after hugging the sad loved ones I came straight home to my own empty apartment. While I heated up my dinner, I wondered if her husband was even able to eat. How he must feel going home to sleep in a bed that he has always shared. After thinking such sad thoughts the craving for company creeped around. Knowing that the type of company I could find at 8:45pm wouldn't be what I needed or wanted. I needed to be held. Just to be held. Nothing more or less. Just to be still and quiet. I didn't want noise or affection, just simply to be held and to have someone there. And deep down I knew that it just wouldn't be what I needed it to be. So I decided to be easy with myself. I ran a big bubble bath, turned on some music, shook up my favorite martini, lit some candles and slide down to the hot water where the bubbles touched up to my chin. I laid in that tub for a good 45 minutes. After I put on my most comfortable pajamas, I am finally in bed watching my favorite movie. Goodnight and be easy!